Interpreting the Language of the Sexes

Is the language of the sexes an obscure and esoteric mystery? Do you find yourself trying to decipher what your partner means when expressing the words: “I love you,” “I need space,” “You’re my best friend?”


How on earth can you figure out what your intended intends, sans exhibiting insecurity, low self worth, and asking a zillion questions?

As with all communication, terminology can be confusing. Without seeing nonverbal demeanor, it may be difficult to interpret true gist and implication.

In the current era where much is conveyed via text, email, and facebook rather than in the flesh, a lot is lost in translation. Therefore, it’s imperative to converse clearly and effectively as slight misinterpretations easily lead to destructive dissension, separation, and the building of walls instead of bridges.

Never assume you know what your beloved’s goal is. Discover by delving as deep as necessary until you feel confident you’ve received the correct connotation.

Messages are only mixed when you don’t comprehend their import completely. Sometimes it’s because you don’t want to accept the implication. Who wants to hear “the spell is gone” or “I want a break?”

What exactly is inferred from the age-old proclamation, “I need some space?” Is the time frame a few minutes, a week, a month, forever?  How do you know what he/she aims to get across by this announcement?

Playing or letting your mate play guessing games isn’t worthwhile. Don’t fret about inquiring ad infinitum, until you’re convinced there’s no possibility of uncertainty.

It’s preferable to say what you mean as long as you don’t say it mean. Be forthcoming and candid. Even if you’re apprehensive about hurting your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s feelings, honesty is preferable to keeping your amour wishing and hoping. ‘People pleasing’ is counterproductive in forming lasting, significant bonds.

A common misconception between the sexes is that the profession “you’re my best friend” from a beau should be dreaded. Do you take that phrase as an insult? Are you offended and miffed? Most women cringe and favor hearing the three magic words “I Love You” as an assertion of undying devotion.

However, from a male’s standpoint, declaring you’re his best friend is the highest possible compliment you can receive. It denotes you’re his one and only, his “everything.”

Typically men don’t have close relationships with relatives, peers, co-workers, associates in the equivalent vein women do. Generally, the male gender singularly shares intimately with their lady love. Conversely, the female gender is infamous for talking and confiding regularly with bff’s and similar sounding boards.

Who is your “first,” your “go to” person? Is it your mom, dad, sister, brother, lover, neighbor, employer, spouse? For a majority of gents, their amour is their “first,” whereas ladies may have many “firsts.” That’s why “you’re my best friend,” from your hunk is identical to “I love you.”

Chaps may hang with the guys, shoot the shit, talk sports, sex, beer, and boobs, yet they’re rarely emotionally vulnerable. This void needs to be filled and is habitually satisfied by the love of their life.

On the other hand, women are psychologically satiated with numerous outlets for support through sharing with close confidantes from countless avenues.

Consider the three magic words, “I Love You.” They may mean different things to men than they do to women. Males may utter them as an outpouring of passion during intercourse. Women may interpret them as the precursor for putting a ring on their finger or tying the knot.

In any case, it behooves you to invest in developing a strong sense between you and your amour as to what your particular language of love entails.

Singles slogan for the week: “Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.”

On that note, it’s never too late to let your creative juices flow. Don’t spend another year singing in the shower for an audience of one, reciting poetry to yourself, or playing your latest original tune to your pets. Come out and reveal your soul to other artists who will appreciate your efforts.

Scores of venues are available every night to liberate your formerly hidden talents in safe, friendly, and warm environments, simultaneously meeting like minded sorts.

There’s no reason to stay home alone when a massive amount of local places invite your ingenuity. Whether you participate or primarily listen and soak up the individuality, it’s a win-win situation. At least you have an opportunity to encounter the man/woman of your dreams.

If you’re shy about performing in public, you can still enjoy the repertoire of a myriad of imaginative folks until you drum up the courage to strut your own stuff. Remember, it’s not obligatory to become the next Seinfeld, Sting, Adele, or Paul McCartney.

Lead with your soul and you’ll be revered for touching the core of your cohorts and inspiring others to do the same. You may even motivate those more scared than you to get past their fears.

A perfect example occurred recently when I spontaneously sat down at a gorgeous grand piano in a hotel lobby where a singles event was happening in a different room. No one was nearby and I was sure I would barely be heard.

Unbeknownst to me a friend was attentively listening and after about ten minutes, approached me to express how moved she was by my music, impressed that I played from the heart, which in turn, had affected her in an uplifting way.

I was taken aback as I hadn’t expected any response at all, since a lot of chatter was going on and I kept the sounds rather soft. This was a highlight of my New Year. Hopefully I’ll use the momentum and attend one of the welcoming establishments listed below that cater to the creative chops of all ages and experiences, from the novice to the seasoned.

Please check the internet for specific addresses, times, and additional info.

Mondays – Open singer/songwriter mics at Kulak’s Woodshed in North Hollywood and Jax in Glendale; blues musicians night at Lucy’s 51 in Toluca Lake.

Tuesdays – Jazz guitar jam at Lucy’s 51; open mic for singers at the Gardenia Room, Hollywood; jazz jam night at Café Cordiale, Sherman Oaks.

Wednesdays – Storytellers Salon with Beverly at the Coffee Fix in Studio City from 8-10pm; Jazz Jam at The Gate in Encino with Cathy Segal Garcia; Stand up Comedy open mic at the Oyster House, Studio City.

Thursdays – open mic for singers at Hollywood Studio Bar and Grill hosted by Dolores Peterson.

Saturdays (first of the month) – poetry at TU studio in North Hollywood, Camarillo Street just east of Vineland.

Sundays (2nd and last) 5-7pm at The Coffee Fix – open mic for poets hosted by Dori.

About this column: Every Sunday, we’ll ponder and answer questions ranging from dating etiquette, to how to strike up conversations with eligible singles, to how to know when he’s/she’s just not that into you, to single parenting/co-parenting/visitation issues, to singles oriented spots in our precious Studio City. Debra Graff, B.A., J.D. specializes in personalized dating/relationship/parenting coaching and divorce/family/custody consultations and mediation. Please send responses/inquiries to, or call 818-753-8898 to arrange private phone/in person sessions.